


One Simple Trick to Ruin Dinner

by CringeLikeACurse



Series: Surrounded by Weirdos [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: AU, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not Beta Read, cooking mishaps, mentions of Noctis' offscreen sex life, turkey abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16750549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CringeLikeACurse/pseuds/CringeLikeACurse
Summary: Christmas dinner prep goes horribly, horribly, wrong for Luna and Noctis. And the turkey. (Expanding upon the Christmas mishap from 'Snark')





	One Simple Trick to Ruin Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> After writing out 'Snark' I had to know what terrible thing happened that Christmas dinner involving Luna, Noctis, a turkey, and some lube. So, instead of doing the smart thing and sleeping I just kept writing this, one LINE message at a time. 
> 
> Super dialog heavy, wonky formatting. And as will become apparent, I've never cooked a turkey.

Luna frowned, staring at the turkey she had her hand buried in. "I think we'll be having less stuffing then usual this year."

Noctis, dreadfully alarmed at not getting to stuff his face with one of the few foods he'd eat willingly, came to stand by her, motioning her to move. "Let me see what I can do. I have bigger hands, that should help right?"

A dainty grunt escaped her as she tried to tried to pull her hand back out. "No, Noct, I don't-" she stopped suddenly, squinting at her supposed kitchen helper. "Have you ever even seen an uncooked turkey before this? Because I'm pretty sure I remember you burning toast, Noct. TOAST."

He squirmed, ashamed and antsy all at once, a barely controlled flailing of limbs. Really, if she didn't know better she'd have thought Prompto was helping her.

"That was once while--"

"More than once.."

"As I was _saying,_  while we were off camping. It's hard to cook toast over a fire."

"Mmhmm. And what about on the grill?"

"... That's hard too."

She rolled her eyes hard enough spots danced before her. "Right. ANYWAYS."

Turning her attention back to the turkey, and away from her worryingly inept friend, she gave her hand a good hard tug and it slid free, with far less fan fare than expected too.

"Look Noct, I'm sorry but it's just not very big of a turkey." She said, turning away from him looking pitifully at the turkey.

"Well, maybe if I tried." Noctis continued, undaunted in his pursuit of more stuffing.

Luna stilled, pausing halfway through washing her hands. "You're not serious Noct. Please tell me you're not suggesting you somehow stuff those gangly clodhoppers you call hands into the turkey I just had trouble removing _my_ hand from - are you?"

Turning her head slowly enough Noct thought he could hear gears grinding, he saw Luna sported a glare witheringly enough to remove Gladio's tattoo. It was not, unfortunately, enough to stop his misguided gesticulations. Which were, Luna suspected, Noctis shoving his hand in the turkey. Like she hadn't just been in it.

"Alright. Fine. You think you can expand a bone filled cavity, go for it." she figured he'd give up, he'd see sense. Or, most likely, he'd never get his hand in it in the first place and they could resume trying to fix their first homemade Christmas dinner either household had made since either's mothers  died. Really, this was just shameful. She should have harassed Ravus into this years ago, he was fussy enough to be able to pull this off. Although, there was his ...unfortunate perfectionism to account for. And that dreadful business with losing his arm - and suddenly with a horrible, dawning realization she'd stopped watching Noctis - who'd just let out a whooping cheer.

Oh Six, her heart sank. It plummeted so far down people on the other side of Eos were screaming about a hole. And a heart. And likely the mess, it would be terribly shocking after all.

Speaking of terrible, Noctis, dear sweet, stupid, Noctis had somehow managed to stuff his considerably bigger hand into that turkey. Honestly, it was the size of a chicken, what did they buy her - never mind. It's too late. It's thawed, it's prepped... It's got Noctis' hand in it.

"Well that's.. That's quite the a-a-" she stammered, really it was becoming quite the habit, but all her etiquette lessons and teachings never prepared her for this. She dragged a hand through her bangs, pushing them back, gathering herself as Noctis beamed proudly, so proudly, at her.

" WHAT THE FUCK NOCT." Luna threw her hands up. "How the fuck-" really this was why she swore so little, it really demanded attention when she did  " -did you stuff your hand. In. That. Turkey."

Six, she did not deserve this. She couldn't. If this was anything like having children, she'd leave that to her dear older brother.

Noctis' face was full of pride and joy at his accomplishment, which slowly slid off- like a car sliding on ice through an intersection- leaving bewilderment and screaming people. Or in this case, Luna, and not people.

"Look, it's ok, I can just.. " he started, trying to draw his hand back from the turkey. Really, it hadn't taken that much force to push his hand in, why couldn't he get it back out now? "Just.. Pull it back out..."

Luna crossed her arms. "Right. I see that working so well."

Noctis, growing increasingly worried and frustrated, alternated between quick hard jerks and desperate sustained pulling. Neither got him anywhere.

"Well. It's just a turkey, right? We can just cut my hand out."

"That would be a brilliant idea bone-head, except that Gladio is bringing them later. We don't have any."

"What do you mean you don't have any knives?! How were you going to cook anything?"

"Really Noct, that's what you have a problem with? That I can't cut the vegetables you won't eat anyways? The turkey cooks for several hours more, it's why we're here hours before everyone else."

Noctis blinked, slowly coming to understand the situation. He really hadn't paid much attention to the earlier planning discussions, assuming Luna would catch him up. Or Iggy. Or even Gladio. Prompto might have known too, if they weren't both distracted by the new Kings Knight trailer. Really, he'd been getting a lot better about staying focused, but that...

"So if we can't cut it out, can't pull it out, what do we have left?"

"Waiting isn't an option, I don't think you want your hand in it for that long, nor do I think it would still be good. Although, perhaps it might be." Luna speculated.

Noctis turned noticeably green. "Pass. Next idea?"

"Punching through it would just give you a -" Luna had to pause, giggling at the thought, "a turkey bracer. Which wouldn't help."

That brought a half-hearted chuckle from Noctis. "I'll pass on that too. Too unwieldy."

"Maybe, oh!" she clapped her hands in excitement, "Butter!"

Noctis looked puzzled, clearly imagining cutting a turkey with butter, and failing, before clicking to her idea. "That's a great idea! So let's get it, where is it?"

Nearly tripping over herself in her haste, Luna dashed to the fridge. Throwing open the stainless steel monstrosity she searched for the butter. "Let's see; that's a carrot, that's another carrot, carrot, Ravus you were clearly raised in a barn to put things away like this, more vegetables, even more vegetables, not there. Not in that drawer... Or that drawer. Oooor that drawer."

"Luna, a carrot isn't going to help me! Just how big is that fridge that you can't find the butter?"

Without turning she lobbed a carrot in his direction. A shriek came from the captive man.

"LUNA!"

"Quiet or I'll do it again!" she huffed.

A few moments passed in tense silence.

"It's not here. I have searched top to bottom, in every drawer, under every bag and there's no butter." Luna closed the fridge, close to growling.

"Well, why not use some oil? Same idea right?"

"That would be a wonderful idea! Except we haven't used this cabin in years. Maybe a decade."

Noctis seemed green again by the end of her explanation. "Ugh. Rancid oil basted turkey." They both shuddered.

"You brought the groceries up with you right, where did you put the bags? Maybe you just forgot it in your car." Offered Noctis hopefully. His hand was really starting to get cold.

"Brilliant. You just... Stand there I suppose, and I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Please." Luna chuckled in relief. The butter had to be there. It had to.

Outside in a flash, Luna desperately tore her car apart. It had to be there. A single bag she over looked. Admittedly, she had been wondering where a couple things were. But her car stood unrelenting, empty as could be. This can't be happening. She checked everywhere she'd set the bags. The side of the car, the porch, the entrance way. Shoulders slumped in defeat, she trudged back to the kitchen and Noctis, who was now half laying on the counter.

He took in her weary look. "You didn't find it, did you?" 

She shook her empty hands in response. "I am afraid not."

"Fuck."

"Here, let me.." she gestured to his arm and his slouching self. Darting out of the kitchen, she came back carrying two chairs. "This should help some. I'm sure you're getting rather sore."

Patting her hands clean Luna fished her phone out of her pocket.

"No!"

Startled, she nearly hurled her phone and fumbled desperately for it. She manged to mash it into her chest, an awkward mix of forearm and elbow catching it from it's aborted flight. Carefully she removed it, setting it solidly on the table before looking up at Noctis.

"What, exactly, do you mind explaining, what that was for?"

Noctis leaned over as close as possible. Really, he could have picked up the turkey tray to get closer but stuck to the limits of what he could reach from his chair. "You can't tell anyone!"

Luna blinked at him. He didn't just. "I can't." He nodded. "Tell anyone." More nodding. "That you got your hand stuck in a turkey." Vigorous nodding. Luna continued on with a sense of faint horror. "Our turkey. For supper. For-" she checked the clock. "-over half an hour."

"Exactly!"

She pointed at the turkey. "I suddenly feel like going Vegetarian. Right now."

Noctis rolled his eyes. "Just.. Besides, it'll take anyone a few hours to get here anyways. And by then..." he shrugged helplessly and made a disgusted face. "We'll all have a vegetarian Christmas."

"Right." she picked her phone back up. "Which was why I was going to contact Ravus to see if I left a bag behind."

Noctis squinted at her, "You sure you aren't going to take a picture?"

"Honestly Noct! I'll never forget this, no matter how hard I'll try. "

Satisfied he sat back in his chair.

"If you even think of leaning back in these chairs I'll put you on video call to my entire contacts list. In group chat."

Noctis froze in horror, settling the four legs on the floor. He had been thinking of it, actually. As in, about to. Oh Six. He tucked his feet around one leg for insurance, chuckling warily." Me? No, I'd never do... Oh Six, please don't Luna I swear. "

Just then her phone rang. Noctis paled, while Luna mimed to be silent.

"Ravus, dear brother! What brings you to call? Is everything alright?" Because things here are absurd. Frankly I'm starting to feel we should pack it up and see if we can make back to Insomnia in time to get take - out still.

"Sister. I believe things are better here than there. I can't imagine you've had much luck with cooking at all, seeing as you left both the spices and the butter here."

Luna closed her eyes as a wave of relief and despair washed over her. She didn't loose the butter in the cabin, or her car, or some other Six-forsaken place. On the other hand, it's in her brothers hands. Over an hour away.

"Oh. That.. Explains quite a lot."

A deep laugh crackled over the phone. "Fear not, I'll be there in under an hour. I'm sure between the... Three.. Of us we'll get things on track. Love you Loon."

"Love you too.." she mumbled, frozen in horror. Frozen in horror as her brother hung up.

"Noct." she said in a strained tone," We have a problem."

"The was--?" She nodded, cutting him off.

"He'll be here. IN UNDER AN HOUR."

Noctis let out garbled stream of swears.

"...But.. At least he'll have the butter?" she offered weakly.

"NO! FUCK. NO!" Noctis jumped to his feet, rattling the turkey and its pan around. "Your brother. Will KILL ME. If he finds me like this. This is all he needs to call me some..." He flailed his free hand in a sweeping gesture, lost for words.

"A depraved lunatic, a turkey fucker,--" Luna began listing off on her fingers.

"EXACTLY! You see my point! We have to get this off. NOW." Noctis agreed while Luna, unhelpfully, continued to list appropriate adjectives.

She ended with, "-perhaps most of all, AN IDIOT."

"Right. Anyways, we need a butter substitute. We need something slick. Slick. OhSixNo" Noctis held his hand over his mouth, as if that would stop the sudden idea.

Luna looked puzzled. "What? Well if you have an idea share it. We can't use a carrot, or a potato, or whatever bloody vegetables Ignis picked out."

Terrified wide eyes peeked out between his fingers before he scrunched his face, violently shaking his head. "Ican'tsayit."

"Something you can't say. And we need a butter replacement." Luna tapped her nails on the counter. "It's not a food thing, you wouldn't be embarrassed about that. " She continued to try and puzzled it out while Noctis turned redder and redder, a dark flush that swiftly spread from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

"Technically we need a lubricant, right Luna?" he managed to squeak out.

"Yes, but I'm not putting car--nngngnn...Ooooh."

"Exactly."

"Oh. Um. Well. "

"Are you certain we can't just cut my hand off Luna? Please?"

"I'm afraid not. Unless you wanted me to take it off with a potato peeler. That would be slow and messy. Not to mention painful. And Ravus would kill me for making a mess of this place, he just paid to have it cleaned."

"Except it would be my blood everywhere. And hand." Noctis pointed out.

Luna sighed, waving it off. "No, you see, that's just making a mess. If I'd killed you, thereby taking you out of my and by extension his life, then he'd consider it a small price to pay."

"Why does he hate me so much again?"

"Because you haven't told him you're gay yet."

Noctis, who had been breathing happily for his 20-some odd years, promptly choked on his spit.

"LUNA!" he shouted when he finally recovered, pounding his chest with his left hand while Luna laughed, a touch hysterically.

"How did you--?"

"Dear Noct, you essentially just told me you have lube stashed in your car. What ever else am I to think?"

She batted her eyes, doing her best approximation of an innocent look while stifling a laugh at his confused outburst. "At least, I do hope it's in your car and not say, in your pocket because that brings all sorts of unsavory connotations with it."

"What! No! I. Eugh." he tried to clear the idea from his head, waving with his one free, and warm, hand. "It's in the car." He pulled his keys free from his pants pocket and slid them across the counter. "There's, ah, someunopened."

"I do think I'd get that one in the first place anyways, but thank you."She called over her shoulder, "And just think! The two of us, all alone.. WITH THE LUBE!" she cackled, as Noctis made gagging noises. " What fuuuuun we could get up to!"

Quickly Luna picked her way back over the gravel drive way, unlocking his car with the press of a button. Wait, since when did his car have a remote? Pushing that flash of curiosity aside, she pulled open the passenger side door -because surely they wouldn't need it while driving, she hoped. Prayed. Maybe instead of riling him up she should have asked where the Six he kept it, she thought grumpily, digging through the glove compartment. Resolutely she ignored the several pairs of leather gloves, don't think where they may have been, Ignis is a stickler for cleanliness -- ABANDON THOUGHT! Oh look, there's a ..rather large amount of condoms.. annnnd.. Oh Six, that's a jar? Squeezable container? What were those called again?? That's a poor sign but whatever - and Oh Six this one is ...opened. Thaaaat's.. not what she wanted. What she wanted was, really, a long hot shower now, she didn't need to know about his sex life. She could have lived a long, fulfilling life without it, truly. But scraping down, down to the plastic and the crumbs she found nothing else.

Furiously wiping her hands on her pants, she slapped the glove box closed with far more force than necessary. Becoming desperate she looked under the seat, feeling around with her hands while blood swam to her head. Nope, not there, likely. Straightening back up, she stepped out of the car, blinking back a wave of vertigo - another poor sign, really, but not one related to this mess. She could focus on that later.

Luna skipped over digging around in the backseats, hoping the boys wouldn't be foolish enough to keep something like that just.. floating around back there and minced over to the trunk. Really, some shoes would have been a wonderful idea.

Popping the trunk was another handy button press. Bracing herself for Noctis' room 2.0 she was.. pleasantly surprised. It was clear someone, likely not Noctis, took good care of his car. The trunk was mostly empty, save the usual emergency supplies in a bundle. She didn't even see a spare tire. Maybe they aren't stored there anymore. Or maybe they're driving on it? Oh Six who cares. There are more important problems. Like saving Noctis from Ravus who will just cut his hand free. The hard way, with the potato peeler. The thought made her shudder. Pawing through the carefully packed kits she grabbed one that stood out, really, they all seemed color coded? But this one was rainbow and oh. Oh! She should have guessed that sooner. Clearly Prompto was to blame for that. Hopefully. Unzipping it, she grabbed the bottle in there, pointedly ignoring anything any that may be in there, and jogged back to the house.

Oh Six. How much time was left?

"Oh thank the Six you found it!" Noctis exclaimed with a deeply relived sigh. "And uh, it's water-based-so-really-it-wont-hurt-the-turkey" he spat out nearly all at once.

It took her a moment to decode that and grimaced. It was hard to imagine that really, turkey was still on the menu technically. Somehow.

"That's.. good to know. There's not water ba--? You know what never mind. I'll look it up later."

Noctis let out another relieved sigh. "Really now. A whole new bottle. Really, Noct, was this how you were planning on making friends with my dear brother? I know the new year is for new beginnings but-"

"WHAT!?! AUGH. LUNA. HOW COULD YOU-NO. NONONONONO" the tormented man vainly tried to plug his ears, but having only one hand it made very little difference. Instead he tried to chant her out, drowning out those horrible, horrible images with a steady stream of utterly disgusted protests.

To the tune of chanted "NO"s, Luna pulled off the safety seal, unwrapped it, and pocketed the garbage.

"Alright Turkey-boy, lets get this over with. And never speak of it again." There was an awkward, firmly exchanged handshake - Noctis automatically tried to use his right hand which, still being in the turkey didn't work out too well, but thankfully he did have another hand.

"Assuming this works--"

"THIS BETTER WORK"

"We will never speak of this again."

"Agreed!"

Making an executive decision, Luna flipped over the bottle and squeezed it over his wrist. Luna snorted, "Turkey molester." And rubbed it in around his hand.

Scandalized, but not really, this whole situation was proving quite surreal, Noctis let out a short bark of a laugh. "I'll tell the courts the truth, you did it first! I got the idea from you! It was all youuuu!"

Laughing, Luna prompted him to adjust the turkey and made a second executive decision that more was better, that was the truth with these things, wasn't it?- And squeezed like there was no tomorrow, which actually might be the case for Noctis over here. The bottle let out strange, goopy, breathy noises, drawing terribly embarrassed laughter from the duo. The end is in sight, surely.

Bracing the turkey with his free hand, Noctis pulled at his trapped hand, groaning. "It's not--"

"Waitwaitwait.--"

Luna pulled his hand down, trying to pull it further into the turkey. "You're the one with the anal sex knowledge, really, shouldn't you be educating me or something?" she snarked, busy pushing in the the clear lube.

"I would, but clearly you don't need my help." He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Did you just?!" Appalled, and completely unable to do anything about it, her hands covered in turkey and lube, she resorted to something she'd seen the boys do frequently before and flipped him off. Gee, that actually did feel kinda nice.

"Oh NOOoo. I've corrupted you Luna!" Noctis mock sobbed over her shoulder, trying to keep the turkey still balanced.

"Clearly, this was why my brother wanted to keep you away."

"Clearly."

Satisfied at the thoroughly lubed up turkey and Noctis' arm, Luna dropped the now quite ravaged bottle and stepped away to wash her hands.

Briefly patting them dry on her dress again she braced the turkey.

"Alright, on the count of 3?" He nodded.

"1"

"2"

"3!"

With a great heave, Noctis yanked his poor, nearly frozen hand free. And kept going, ass over teakettle.

This was too much for poor Luna, who began laughing hard enough to drop the turkey. It hit the rim of the tray and flipped over, toppling to the floor in a great clatter. Scant seconds later Luna joined it, covering her face with the backs of her hands and pulling up her knees. This was too much. Oh Six. She must have done something terrible in a previous life.

Dizzy from relief Noctis joined in, not even bothering to get up off the floor.

They sat, or laid, there for a while in relief. Overjoyed to be free from that ordeal, until Noctis stretched his free hand, cold and slimy. Cold and slimy, yes, but nothing that can't be washed off. Wait, cold and "RAVUS IS STILL COMING!"

"FUCK!" Luna yelled, springing up from the floor - nearly crashing into Noctis' face who'd stood peering over the edge of the counter, looking for the turkey.

"Your brother really is going to kill me if you keep this up Luna." He grimaced, both at the thought and at his hand, because really, now that the relief was wearing off his hand felt really fucking gross. He wiggled said hand at Luna, who blanched, scooting back. "I'm going to wash this off. And take the lube. You clean the turkey up."

"Isn't there some term for this?" Luna shouted to him, picking up the turkey and dumping it ungracefully in the sink. Six-damned thing was really slippery now, and hard to hold on to. The last, last, thing they needed was her brother to show up and get a mostly frozen turkey to the face. Laughing in horror she filled up the sink, washing the turkey - at least it being small meant it fit in the sink. They'd have to use the tub otherwise and just.. No.

Wiping everything down with a disinfecting wipe, and then over with a paper towel, she admired the kitchen. You'd never know anything ridiculously stupid had happened here, and even if it looked rather like nothing at all had happened - _including cooking_ , well there were worse fates to be had. Setting the now clean, and thoroughly violated, turkey back in the pan Luna gave herself a pat on the back. Mentally. Had to wash her hands again now.

"Noct did you get stuck again?!" Luna yelled out over the noise of the kitchen sink.

"Luna! I think I heard --"

"What did he _do_ now?" announced Ravus, stepping through the door.

Luna held up a finger and snorted before dissolving into giggles, followed by collapsing to floor, shrieking in laughter.


End file.
